- Hey, I think you have my parcel,
'cause I got another sorry we missed you note
from the postman.
- Yep, here it is.
Came this morning.
Great, thanks,
I'm hoping they're the scented candles for the toilet.
- That's the third one this week!
I'm beginning to feel like your own personal depot!
- No, I know.
It's the lazy bloody postman,
he refuses to come down our stairs.
- Oh, much like your customers then.
=Hrdheafl
At least it gives us an excuse to see each other, ay?
- Oh, perfect, 'cause handing over bath supplies
is all I look for in a relationship.
- I know, I'm sorry, I've been really busy with work.
I will try to be more romantic from now on.
[Farm
- No, I don't want a toilet candle.
- You haven't even seen them, yet.
Oh, ay Oh!
Bloody packaging!
- Yep, definitely don't want one.
Mama
# When in Rome #
# Do as the Romans do #
# Far from home #
# All I got is you #
Scented candles have arrived.
There's post for you too, Jas.
- What scent of candle did you go for?
Lavender?
Bergamot?
- They are for the toilets
so I went for one called heavy duty.
- Oh sweet, it's a save the date!
- The date?
What's it need saving from?
- It's an annoying fad,
people warn you about their precious event
so far in advance, you can never wriggle out of it.
- I don't wanna wriggle out of it,
'cause it's my brother's wedding.
- Congratulations on the wedding and also,
on having a brother.
- Yes, quite, what brother is this?
- Damrs, Dal, Bauer, ihe Rama Dame.
I must have mentioned Darius.
- Never.
- Not once.
- Right, well he's been in Sicily for a while
but he's back now.
And he's getting hitched to Phoebe on the 14th of June,
venue TBC.
- TBC, where's that then?
The big cave?
- TBC is to be confirmed, you div.
It means, oh hang on, it means they don't have a venue yet.
They should totally have the wedding here.
- Ah, cheers Marcus, that's well generous.
- Yeah, not for free though.
This is a huge opportunity for us.
We're talking food, drinks, venue hire.
All at 2595 mark-up.
- Oh, slightly less generous.
- Well, at least get Dazzer to have a look at it!
I've changed my mind, saved the dates are bloody ideal.
- Ooh, I haven't seen Daz for ages.
We got so much catching up to do.
- Okay, well, you'll have to do it quickly,
because I need to pitch the shit out of this bar.
- And I'll chip in with some of me top weddingy ideas,
as and when.
For instance, see how you like this,
WWW
- Uh, is that just the same as regular size normal food?
- It is, yeah.
But I got tons of more ideas in my locker.
- And let's keep them there, locked away,
where they belong.
I've got this covered, thank you Grumio.
- Oi oi, baby bro!
- Oi oi, the Daz-man!
- Hi, welcome, oi oi.
- Oi oi.
- So, this is our wine bar,
come fully integrated function venue.
- It used to be a toilet.
- Not that you can tell.
One can really make the space, one's own.
- So have you done many weddings then?
- Oh yeah, yeah loads.
- Ah, gutted.
- She wants do something no-one's ever done before.
- Don't get married then.
- Classic.
- I want me mates to think,
"Fuck me, this absolutely shits on my bash."
Do you know what I mean?
- What a lovely ambition.
- So what'd you think Daz?
- Yeah, yeah, I've got used to the smell now.
Babes?
- Oh, I don't know, it's dead gloomy.
It says more funeral than wedding to me.
- Yeah but it will be for Dazzer.
- (laughs) Classic again.
- Well, you'll be such a radiant bride,
you'll light up the place with your glowing aura.
- Yeah, maybe let's think about it.
- Sure thing, doll.
- I'm gonna have to step in here, I'm sorry.
Phoebe love, you want sommat fresh
and sommat funky and we can absolutely do that,
but you don't want to fight the gloom in here,
you wanna embrace it.
- I want to embrace the gloom?
- Big time.
Don't think of this as a dingy toilet,
think of it as an enchanted grotto.
And this one's full of shit,
we've not done a wedding here before,
but that's why we'll bust a gut for yer,
we'll give ya such a banging wedding
that your friends will be physically sick.
- Well I like the sound of that.
So are you the wedding planner?
- That's really up to Marcus.
- If that's what you'd like.
- Yay!
(Phoebe clapping)
- Haw.!
- I never thought I'd say this Grumio,
but well done for being so good with the bride.
- You're welcome.
- Oi, it weren't just him.
- And well done to you Jason,
for being so related to the groom.
- No worries, I think he might even go through
with this one.
- Hang on, this one?
There have been other ones?
- Three, yeah, that's why he's been out of town.
I mean, he had to lie low
after he ran out on Bianca,
or was it Dora?
- And you didn't think to mention,
that the groom's a serial jilter?
- I told you his nickname.
- Marry-us Darius.
- No, you told us about 4O other nicknames,
none of which had any bearing on our business.
- Oh, well it'll be fine,
it looks like he's ready to settle down now.
- [Postman] Your mail, madam.
- Oh, Mr Postman, Hermes.
- Yes mate?
- Yeah, I'm Marcus from the Crown and Toga.
You won't recognize me because you never hand me my parcels?
- Maybe that's because you're never in?
- No, no, I am always in,
you would see that if you came down the stairs.
- Yeah, but we're not meant to do stairs though,
we knock and you come up.
- But I can't hear you because I am down the stairs.
- I left the parcel with your neighbours though,
what's the issue?
- The issue is that my neighbour
is also my sort of girlfriend.
And all this parcel passing
is putting a real strain on our relationship.
- Okay, I'm sorry about that.
- See, I don't think you are.
And I don't think you're sorry in the
I'm sorry I missed you notes, either.
- Yeah, but they're pre-written so"
- Just come down the stairs next time, please?
- Okay, sure thing mate.
- I mean, he won't will he.
- No chance.
- May I start by congratulating you both on your engagement?
- He thinks you're the groom Grumio.
- No, no, no, I'm far more important than that.
I'm the wedding planner.
- My sincerest apologies.
- And I'm planning on planning the wedding of the year.
- It's gotta be outrageous.
We're not daft, think wacky but not tacky,
if you know what I mean?
- I understand completely.
Well, if it's outrageous that you're after,
this range of napkins
features a rather daring stripe across the edge.
- Listen lad, we're tearing up the rule book here,
so your stripy napkins aren't gonna cut it.
We want flora, we want fauna,
we want a great big fuck off wedding cake.
- That is our specialty, I could always arrange a tasting,
if you'd like?
- Hmm, new he's talking sense.
Looks like I might need that napkin, after all.
(energetic ska wedding music)
- I was thinking something like this,
as the bride walks down the aisle?
Maybe even with a choral element?
# Oh blessed union #
- Oh fuck no, no squeaky singing.
- Your post and four bottles of plonk please, Aurelius.
- Hang on, what do you need them for?
- I'm taking Razzle Dazzle out,
this is for a pre-lash at ours.
= bet-files?
And that's not even the main lash?
- Yeah, better make it eight.
- No, as in,
we can't have Razzle Dazzle going out on the piss
and spaffing up another wedding.
- Oh relax, nothings gonna happen.
He's just having a last hurrah.
- Right, doesn't last hurrah usually mean
sleeping with someone else?
- Not necessarily.
- Pretty sure it does actually.
- And given his track record,
would it not just be one more hurrah
in along series of hurrahs?
- Let's not call it a hurrah then.
Let's call it a small woo-hoe.
- Oh, why have we got a bill from The Emporium
gram
- I know, and that's just the flora.
The fauna's having to come
from a different specialist supplier.
- Please don't say landlord.
- Well he were the only one who could source
the enchanted beasts for the grotto mate.
And he's conducting the ceremony,
all for a mere three grand.
- And did pheobe lay down a deposit by any chance?
- Uh, she did use the bogs at The Emporium, yes.
- No, money! Did she give you money upfront, as security?
- Well no but her dad's fish paste tycoon or sommat
so he'll be stinking rich.
- And stinking generally.
- And me and Phoebe are bezzies
so that's all the security y'need.
- Okay, there'll be no hurrahs, woo-hoes or even yippees.
No booze, no women, in fact, no going out.
Nothing that can in any way jeopardize this wedding.
Agh, sorry we missed you, again!
That lazy bastard postman twat!
Bet-files.
- No, do not give him anything.
Salve, Gloria, surprise.
- [Gloria] Thank you, they are amazing.
- What, you haven't even seen them, yet.
- Yeah I have.
They were delivered this afternoon,
Barney signed for them while I was out.
'Warm,
- This is like a creepy stalker amount of flowers.
This must have cost a shitload.
- A couple of shitloads, to be fair.
'Mum
- Yep, just a few more to really fill in the gaps.
- You are a nutcase.
A romantic one, but a nutcase all the same.
- You what?
What'd you mean we're not going to Boob Alley?
Is this a wind-up?
- No, I thought I'd take you somewhere even better,
on a trip down memory lane.
- Where's that?
That sounds shit.
- No, it's not a place, it's our past, in a shoebox.
Mum gave it to me when she was having a clear out.
- A shoebox, is there even any booze in there?
- No, it's more like letters and school reports.
- Well I want to go out.
- No Daz, you can't, please, not this time.
I'm sorry.
Look,just give the box a chance, for me?
Ah, skanky bear!
Look Daz, it's skanky bear!
(laughing) But, Darius's ability to learn algebra,
will be much improved if he wasn't always trying
to take his top off in lessons.
- These abs will not be contained.
Look at this!
My jacks, we used to stay up all night playing with these.
This was as great idea, bro.
- My darling Darius, oh here we go!
Oh this is the good stuff.
Mind]?
- It's Melissa Russo, my first ever girlfriend.
- Oh yeah, I remember with the bunches.
- Yeah.
- When you knicked one of my chips at lunch,
my heart exploded.
- Melissa Russo, I haven't thought about her for yanks.
- Look, it's the wonky cup you made!
You gave this to mum for her birthday.
Elarz?
- Uh?
Yeah, give me a min bro, this letter's quite intense.
Have you got any more of these?
- Yeah.
- I had him tucked up in bed by midnight,
sober and completely alone.
- Okay, great, now if we just steer clear
of the tiny fusspot, we might be all right.
- Hey, where's my unicorn?
You promised me a unicorn.
- Yeah, they're not as real as I thought sadly.
You can always glue a cone on one of the weasels?
- I'm not gluing cones on dead weasels mate.
What fauna have we got that's alive?
- Well the doves are alive, I reckon.
Yeah, they're alive.
- And I'm still waiting on about two grands worth of flora.
- Ah, yes, you might be waiting a while.
- You what?
Why's that?
- Because I reallocated them.
- Jove on high,
I'm trying to organize the wedding of the year here,
and you lot are shitting all over it.
(Phoebe crying)
Phoebe, what are you doing here?
You're meant to be getting a mani-pedi before the big day.
- There's not gonna be a big day.
Darius called it off.
He's still in love with his ex-girlfriend.
(Phoebe sobs)
- Oh okay, I see what's happened here.
I guess reading letters from his ex,
must have like, triggered certain feelings.
- Well why was he reading letters from his ex, at all?
- Because they're in this old memory box that I dug out.
I was trying to do what you said.
You know, distract him from booze and birds.
- Oh cool, great stuff, 'cause that worked really well,
didn't it?
- Steady on!
I wasn't the one pushing for him to have the wedding
in this dingy shithole, was I?
- Hang about mate.
Don't blame the dinge,
this was gonna be a luminous grotto
full of stoats and weasels.
- Which will need paying for, wedding or no wedding.
- This is why you get a deposit, you luminous twat.
It doesn't really matter if the bride's bezzies
with the wedding planner if she's not all that close,
to the groom!
- Maybe he's just having a wobble.
- So stop him wobbling then.
Sit on him, tie him to a tree.
Whatever it takes.
And Grumio,
you're taking those flowers back to The Emporium.
- I thought they'd been reallocated?
- Well, they'll just have to be re-reallocated.
- Marry-us Darius, strikes again.
You trying for some sort of record?
- And I've got you to thank for this one, bro.
- Hmm, not exactly what I was aiming for.
- You cracking open that shoebox was like
the universes way of saying,
"Daz, you're making a huge mistake!
"You should be with Mel."
- Or, was it the universe's way of saying,
"That stuff's in the past Daz,
"leave it there you stupid prick."
What I mean is, what you really know about Mel?
She could be old and haggered by now.
- Well, she's not gonna have got older than me,
that wouldn't work, would it?
- Yeah but, maybe she hasn't kept up
with your amazing skin care regime, bruv.
Or she could have popped out a few sprogs.
- I'll just raise 'em as my own.
The more the merrier!
- And what if she just doesn't love you anymore?
- Well, she'll just have to say it to my face,
when I track her down.
- And I mean, is there any way you could marry Phoebe,
then track her down?
Just to cover yourself, and your bro and his bar.
- Sorry bro, me and Mel are going to be together forever,
I just know it.
Sixth time lucky.
- What, I thought you were on number four?
- There are a couple in Sicily, yeah.
- I'm just gonna come clean,
admit there was a mix-up with the flowers
and apologize profusely.
Honesty really is the best policy.
Gloria?
Is anybody in?
- So, what's the second best policy?
- So, I've spoken to my manager
and I'm afraid we can't accept these.
“WNW
- Our returns policy doesn't allow perishables.
- Ah, they might be perishable but they haven't perished.
- These are bloody spritely, mate.
- Nevertheless, the can't be returned,
nor can the cake you ordered either.
- We've not even received that yet!
- Yes, but it's fully baked,
and topped with the names Phoebe and Darius.
You'll be receiving another invoice from us
for 200 denarii.
- 200 for a cake?!
- 200 per tier, sir.
- Oh no, oh please god.
- How many tiers is it?
- Well I had wanted12 but I had to settle on eight
for safety reasons.
On the plus side, we do get an absolutely huge cake.
(Marcus screams)
- All right bro, didn't expect you back.
- Yeah, listen, I've got some really big news
so you better sit down.
- I'm already lying down.
- So sit up then.
Right, so I was putting away the old shoebox
and I found another letter from Mel.
From a year ago when you was away.
Mum must have slipped it in with the others.
- Well, what does it say?
- "Dearest Darius, I've got some well dark news.
"I've only gone and caught a bloody wasting disease.
"I've gotjust a few weeks to live
"so I'm writing to say goodbye forever.
"You must find happiness and marry someone else ASAP.
"Love Mel... issa."
- Wow, that is dark.
- I am so sorry, bro.
- Maybe she recovered?
- No way, she only had a few weeks to live
and that was a year ago.
She's probably a skeleton by now.
- Oh, well let's see shall we?
Mel, can you come here a sec: my brother's here?
- Oh, hi ya Jason, sorry I was just in the bog.
- Hi Mel, you look well.
- You've not had wasting disease, have you babe?
- I wish, this diet's doing F all.
- Leave it out, you're gorg.
- But how'd you track her down so fast.
- She left her address on the envelopes, you donut.
Mam Mammy).
- Classic!
(all laughing)
- I think this time he's ready to settle down, I'm afraid.
- Right, and I can't interest them
in an enchanted grotto themed wedding, can I?
- They're moving to Spain together for a fresh start.
It's quite sweet actually.
- Oh, how lovely!
Forgive me if I don'tjump forjoy,
now that we are royally fucked.
- Oh come on, it's not that bad!
Get Phoebe to pay for it anyway!
Her dad's loaded right?
- Hmm.
- Hello Marcus.
- Gloria!
- Hey, how's it going.
- Yeah, fine thanks.
Apart from being burgled earlier that is.
- What, burgled?
Mn».
- Weirdly the thieves only stole the flowers you bought me.
- That is weird.
- Yeah, and they made quite a mess.
Soil on the floor, pollen on the sofa.
In fact, it was about the least romantic gesture
I can imagine.
- Ugh, I'm sorry, genuinely.
But the flowers were never
actually meant to be the gesture.
Well the little pink ones were but--
- Oh, d'know what Marcus?
I am too old and too busy to deal
with this playground bullshit, all right?
I think we should just call it a day.
- No, no, please!
I know I've been useless and flaky.
But, cards on the table Gloria, I really really like you.
I really want this to work.
No more games or lies, I promise, just give me a chance
to show you that I can be sincere and straightforward
and very very romantic.
- Well go on then.
- Not now though,
I've just got to squeeze some money
from a jilted bride first.
- Ugh!
- Oh it's pathetic, I can't stop crying.
- You let it all out love.
- I can believe it's over Grumio.
- What a bastard, good riddance I say.
- Oh I'm not talking about Darius, who cares about him?
- She means the wedding dickhead.
- Me mates were gonna be fuming.
Now they'll all have smug grins on their stupid faces.
- I'm sure you'll bounce back,
find other ways to make your friends miserable.
- Ah, thanks.
It's so nice of you to come round and cheer us up, lads.
- Yeah, that's not the only reason
mapped
There's also the small matter of these bills,
for the flora and the fauna and the cake.
- But they Wedding's been cancelled.
- No, I know, that that is such a shame.
- I got dumped, look at me, I'm a mess.
- But so are we, is the thing.
If we don't get this money, our bar will go under.
- Oh, well I'm sure you'll bounce back.
- Hmm, can I speak to your father about it perhaps?
Explain the situation, find a compromise.
- I wouldn't, he doesn't do them.
- Or beg, I'm happy to beg.
- Listen lad, the only way my dad'll pay
is if he sees his daughter walking down the aisle.
And that's not gonna happen, is it?
- As your wedding planner,
I might have had one final outrageous idea.
(bright music)
(guests chattering)
- Dearly beloved,
we are gathered her to join this man and woman
in the sacred institution of marriage.
Please place the ring on the finger of the bride
and repeat after me.
I Marcus Philipus Philarious Gallo.
- I Marcus Philipus Philarious Gallo.
- Take thee Phoebe Helen Popiliana.
- To be my lawful wedded wife.
- To be my...
- Lawful wedded wife.
Lawful wedded wife.
- Lawful wedded, yes wife.
- Lovely, now your turn my darling.
Whoa»
- It's okay, I learnt it.
I Phoebe Helen Popiliana,
take thee Marcus Philipus Philarious Gallo
to be my lawful wedded husband.
I do.
- Then by the power vested in me,
by the honorable guild of Roman landlords,
I pronounce you man and wife.
(guests cheering)
Go on, give her a kiss.
- It's not what it looks like!
- I take it back Marcus,
that was the least romantic gesture I can imagine.
- I had no choice!
I was going to lose the bar.
- It's actually quite convenient.
I was actually coming down to dump you.
I don't have to now you're married.
- Oh come on, we can get through this.
- I've got a date tonight anyway.
- Wow, you move fast.
Who is the date with, out of interest?
- Have you met Hermes?
- What, him?
The bad postman?
- Yep, thanks to all your parcels,
I've been seeing a fair bit of him.
- So that's why you never came down the stairs.
You were just trying to steal my girlfriend?
- Yes and no.
We are genuinely not meant to do stairs.
- Well, I hope the two of you are very happy together.
- Likewise.
- Now ladies and gents,
gather round for the cutting of the cake.
- You know we're getting divorced
as soon as we're back from the honeymoon?
- Fine by me, where we going by the way?
- You're not going anywhere,
me and Grumio are off to Sardinia.
- Release the doves, please.
(crowd chattering)
- Are those definitely doves?
- Doves, pigeons, same difference?
- Oh fuck, one of them's shat in me eye.
- [Grumio] Well let's have a bloody dance night!
(Wm)
# I came I saw I conquered #
# Can I conquer you #
# I came I saw I conquered #
# Can I conquer you #
# can I conquer #
# I gotta conquer #
# I need to conquer #
# YOU, you, you #